I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
