my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
