sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I will pee on everything he values.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
