I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
