I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
