the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
