I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
