she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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