Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
