You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
