We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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