do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
