Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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