i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
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