I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
