...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
His hands were made for my vagina.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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