Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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