Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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