Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize