Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
