i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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