We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
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