she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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