I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
