I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
