my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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