remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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