I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
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