She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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