Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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