You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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