Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
