sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
