her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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