So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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