I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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