there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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