This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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