Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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