Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
