now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
