why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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