Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
