Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
