That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
