So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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