Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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