If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Randomize
