I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
