I just pynch a tree in the face
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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