first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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