gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
