note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
