it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You pole danced in your parka.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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