seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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