I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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