you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
