you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I deserve this hangover.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
