I'm sorry my penis didn't work
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
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