What did we do last night that was yellow?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
being pregnant is like rehab
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
