Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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