Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
