We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
