ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Randomize