Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
