you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
The beer is more important than you right now.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
