How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
